imposter syndrome
on worse days i look at myself
in the tall blurry mirror
and i can’t recognize the person staring back at me
like a vacant vessel of someone who hasn’t yet revealed themselves
i see a shipwreck, a hollow boat with skeletons and treasure
so rusted that it can hardly be considered sellable,
so dull that my eyes ache for the glimmering gold lost to the raging sea
if i reach far back enough
behind my eyes, hidden beneath the top of my head
will i find who i truly am?
am i a mind trapped in this mechanism we call a skeleton?
or is my mind a lucky commodity gifted to my sack of skin
from a benevolent creator?
something about this skin
checkered with pores and bicycle scars
feels like the softest cage
my ribcage encages my traitorous heart,
blood vessels wind around my entire being
like unwanted bondage and thrumming pain
who am i if not for the skin i sleep in?
if not the for the bundle of bones i see
in every x-ray scan i take?
who am i if i no longer recognize it?
appearance
i wish i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror
because it hurts whenever i do
the sharp perusal of my eyes stings as it glazes over
my stretch marks, my hip dips
the craters in my pelvis and the craters in my face
when i stretch it into an elastic, slippery smile
bullets stream out of my pupils
sneaking out like silent tears
puncturing my upturned nose, my circular cheeks
the tears -the bullets- trickle down my body
unashamed of their blatant touches as they circle
my round stomach, my flat chest
i shake with the force of it
and the tears -the bullets- fall
down
down
down
their descent as silent as my heartbreak
as they fall into the endless pit we call tartarus
where i stand suspended over
like a helpless damsel with no knight, no prince
more bullets fire from my almond eyes
laughing like haunting demons as they too
explore my hideous body
i wish i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror
because it hurts whenever i do.
About the Author:
Serena is a Korean-American sophomore living in Cambodia. When she’s not writing poetry,
you can find her reading, playing soccer, or playing discordant notes on her piano.